Saturday, December 13, 2008

Honest thoughts

"Oh my gosh.  You two are so lucky.  I would kill to have your job.  Those kids are too cute!"

These are words I hear almost every day, without fail.  I always tell them how thankful we are to be doing this, and how much we love and adore the children.  And that is true.  We know without a doubt that we are in the center of God's will.  We are exactly where we are supposed to be.  We understand this is a once-in-a-lifetime experience, which is why we chose to do this sooner rather than later.  We will never have this opportunity again.

But sometimes, it's hard.  This job is by far the most difficult thing we have ever done.  And sometimes, I look at those people who envy my life, smile at them and respond kindly, and think to myself, "If only you knew.  It's not glamorous.  Not at all."  Most days, there is at least one point where I want to pull my hair out.  I wonder to myself, "Will this day ever end?"

We don't wonder if we chose the right path.  We know that we did.  But just because God told us to do this, doesn't mean He promised that it would be easy or that we would be happy all the time.  

The traveling has lost all its appeal at this point on our journey.  I love to travel, but we understand now there is a difference between "traveling" and being "on the road."  Traveling entails choosing a beautiful location, seeing the sights, staying in nice hotels, eating amazing foods, and relaxing.  Being "on the road" means praying that the bus doesn't break down on a long drive, having all the fast-food menus memorized, and doing about 200 concerts a year (with the same songs!).  From day to day, my thoughts change from, "I can't believe it's already December!" to "Oh my gosh, it's only December??!!!"  

I miss home.  Any home.  I miss Kentucky, I miss Americus, I miss Dothan, I miss our family, I miss our friends.  I miss cooking and setting up house in a stationary location.  I miss taking baths.  I miss going to a church just to worship and I miss being in a Bible study.  I miss hopping in my car and going somewhere ALONE.  I miss having any kind of girl friends that I can hang out with.  I told Jay yesterday that I never would have made it through this if he wasn't with me.  He is the only person in the whole world who will ever understand exactly what I'm feeling and what we're going through.  That in itself has brought us closer, and for that I am thankful.

Every day, at some point in the day, I look into the face of a smiling child and know that all the sacrifices are worth it.  Every morning when Suresh yells, "Auntie Taylor, where is my hug??!!!"  Or when Rose kisses my stomach through my shirt and tells me she loves me.  Or when Martin asks who I love more, him or Uncle Jay.  Or when I think about the hundreds of children will never have to wonder when they will get to eat again, or if they will ever get to go to school.  We will never meet them, but those are the children we're doing this for.  In some small way, we are making a difference in the world.  I only hope that after this is over, we can continue ministering to others, even if it doesn't reach all the way to Uganda or Nepal. 

A verse that I've been mulling over the past few days:
"But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumph in Christ, and manifests through us the sweet aroma of the knowledge of Him in every place.  For we are a fragrance of Christ to God among those who are being saved and among those who are perishing."  
2 Corinthians 2:14-15
That's what I want more that anything-to be the fragrance of Christ above all else, whether that is with Children of the World or as a teacher, a wife, a daughter, or a friend.


MDearing said...

Taylor, I am so thankful for your heart for the Lord and so blessed to read what God is doing through you! Sometimes ministry is lonely (and I am in a stationary spot!) but the God who calls you to it will continue to lead you. I honestly, could not imagine wearing your shoes and I am so thankful you were obedient to the call. Blessed to see the women you are!

Sarah said...

Taylor and Jay - May you have a blessed Christmas!! I can't imagine being on the road for a year but know that the kids get you through it! (and the hundreds of other children you guys are helping!) We can't wait to see you all perform in January and know that you are looking forward to having some time off this month and being with family! God bless! I know your families are so proud of you!

DuffFam said...

SgcS34@*@(Tay Tay -- You and Jay will leave a fragrance behind in these childrens' lives that they will smell forever and in return they will leave their own for others. I am inspired by both of you and you both truly are being "light and salt" with these children. Stay a glimpse it will be over.

Love you -- Shan

Mom said...

To quote Dickens: "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times." I imagine that is what you and Jay will be saying in years to come. God probably put a lot of thought into who He should choose to lead these children. And He never messes up! So take heart in that, Taylor. He knew that He needed someone with a ton of patience, the capability to multitask big-time, the energy of a teenager, the wisdom of a grandparent, and the heart of a loving parent. These kids are so blessed. They will carry you with them when they go home. How amazing is THAT?!!! You are doing GREAT, and it's all for HIS glory. I love you, Little Girl, and I'm so proud of you.

koogler said...

Jay and Taylor,
It was so awesome having you guys back in Dothan. I miss the children and have thought about them everyday since you guys left. It is hard not to think about then since my office is covered in pictures. It is amazing that God brought you guys to Covenant so that you could be a part of his bigger plan. I am so thankful that you guys were open to his calling. You will forever be blessed by this opportunity. It is amazing to see the growth in both of you! Give the children hugs for me and an extra special one to Sara and Yoshonda. Let me know if you have needs for the children. God Bless and be safe.

Erin said...

Taylor and Jay....reading this brought tears to my eyes. Not only for the brave and tremendous work that you both are doing, the way you are touching those children's lives or because I miss my roomie. I know that there are struggles, but remember that God is with you in those struggles and will get you through. I am so excited to see you and all the children in a few weeks. I miss and love you both. Erin

Nai Nai said...

It was great seeing you in Dothan and a great ministry you have been called to. The two of you are touching so many lives and you will be blessed for it. May you have a very Merry Christmas were ever you may be.